Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
