I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think i got beer on your cat.
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