i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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