people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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