My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
