Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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