maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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