I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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