i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
