chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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