we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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