I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
