if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
