Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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