We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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