Need sex. Gaining weight.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
