if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
