I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Watching her eat just hurts me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
