Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
