You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
