Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
