I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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