proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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