bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
