Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
