That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Your dad touched me again.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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