guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
