New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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