Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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