Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
