I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
