my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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