I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
