her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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