I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
no more duck duck goose at the bar
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
