Ambien. No doubt about it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
