finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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