If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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