I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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