11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
