I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
