Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
