its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
