I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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