We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
