apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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