I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
