Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
