dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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