I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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