I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
