I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
