no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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