I just pynch a tree in the face
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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