Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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