so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize