I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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