I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
