meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
