its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
