Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Even my vagina gasped.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
