conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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