Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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