best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
