I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My vagina is very pro this idea
last night I used snow as a chaser
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize